I'm laying on my couch on a Friday night at 11pm and it's raining outside (one of my favorite sounds in the world). My son is down in the basement with his friends and they are laughing. I know this is a moment I want to treasure and so I make a mental recording of it in my mind. The sound of the rain and the sound of my son laughing delights my heart. I just want to take it in and keep it close.
As I lay there, other thoughts come in-- uninvited, but welcomed. In my mind, I go to a place I haven't been in a long time. A place that is special but painful to visit. It's a lost life--a lost place--a lost time. It's the place where I grew up. The place where my family used to live. I don't often let myself think of it too often because it doesn't exist anymore--except in my memories.
It's almost like the ghost of Christmas Past came in and took me back to my childhood for a brief moment. I could see myself walking down the hall in my house. I can see all the pictures of my family on the wall. The den and living room are just like I left them. Nothing has changed. I slowly move from one room to the other and they are untouched. I go into my Grandparents apartment and it's immaculate. My Grandmother prided herself in her cleanliness. (Tim wishes I had inherited that from her).
I walk to my Mother's room and there she is! She seems to be the only one in the house. She is sitting at her desk like she did so often late at night. She waited until it was quiet in the house before she would go through the mail. I think she enjoyed looking through it. Most of it was junk mail but there were always pleas for the orphans and hungry throughout the world. Those always caught her eye and her heart.
My Mother was one of the most compassionate people in the world and she couldn't let one of those pleas go unnoticed. It was like they were depending on her to save them and she would do all she could to help them. She would have given her last cent to help anyone.
But whatever rescue operation she was working on at her desk was put on pause the minute I walked in. She always made time for me and for my Brother, Michael. Her eyes looked up to meet my eyes and her whole countenance sparkled. Her attention was mine for the taking. She was the best listener I have ever known.
What would I say to my Mother if I could? I can think of a million things at once. All the things that have been stored up for the past 6 years since the worst year ever--2001. I enjoyed sharing nearly every detail of my life with her. She was always interested in me and in what I was thinking. She empowered me to do many of the things I did because she always believed I could do them. It was fun to dream with her because she enjoyed my dreams as much as I did. I think I shut down that part of my life when she died. I knew no one could take her place.
It has been amazing to me that I never see anyone who really reminds me of my Mother. I see men all the time that remind me of my Father-- but never her? I think the reason is-- to me, there was no one like her in all the world. She was a gentle, kind, giving lady who made everyone feel special. And everyone who walked into her life was welcomed. She greeted all with her beautiful smile. I miss her so much. She was my best friend in this life.
When you lose your parents, even as an adult, the little child in you panics. You become like a child lost in a super WalMart who begins to search frantically for that familiar face. What are you going to do without them? They are suppose to be there. They have always been there. And you have always needed them to be there. Sometimes you don't realize that until they are gone.
And now you are left alone. But you are too young to be left alone--even if you are 73! There is never a good time to lose your parents. And no matter how many fights or disagreements you had with them when they were alive, you don't think about that when you go to their funeral.
You remember then all they did for you and how much they loved you. And you realize in your heart, that no one is ever going to love you like they did. Their love was that of a parent and as imperfect as that can be sometimes, no one can move into that spot. There are only two people who can fill it and now there is a big hole they once filled.
I guess my point is this: if you still have both of your parents or just one of them, treasure them for all you're worth. They will be gone too soon and then you will wish you had. Regrets are about the worst thing you can live with because you can't fix them. They just stay with you and nag you. So plan ahead and don't allow that to happen to you. Make every moment count-- even if you have a million other things to do. Don't rush to get away from that precious soul. One day you will wish you had one more moment to say all the things that didn't get said. So say them now.
I hadn't planned to write about this. I was writing a blog about freedom. It has been a struggle to write these past few weeks. I have been sick and didn't feel much like doing anything. But it has been no effort to write this blog. It was something I had to get out. I think that is when you must write--when something is pushing to get out of you.
And it didn't occur to me when I started writing this blog last night-- that today, October 27th, is my Mother's Birthday. She would have been 86.
If you have a comment for Carol, please write her at: carolrtexas2@aol.com
Friday, October 26, 2007
Sunday, October 14, 2007
A Soul Hole
Is something missing in your life?
Do you long for something else but you're not sure what?
Have your dreams died?
Do you wish your life had turned out different?
Is there sorrow in your soul?
Are you hurting right now?
If you can answer "yes" to any of these questions, then you probably have a "soul hole".
If you are wondering what a "soul hole" is-- it's a hole in your heart--not a physical one but a spiritual one. It 's a term I kind of made up, (I don't think I have ever heard that term before) but I think it's an accurate description of a wound or scar that comes into our heart. It's a result of living on this earth.
Now you may be thinking I am stuck on hearts since my last blog was about hearts. I do have a love for the concept of the heart. It all started when I read this book a few years ago called Waking the Dead. And if you haven't checked out this book by John Eldredge, please do. It was a life changing book for me. In this book, he vividly describes the spiritual heart of people. He talks about how we need to guard our hearts and that we damage our spiritual hearts when we give pieces of it away to others who do not care for it properly. The more often we give away our hearts---usually the more holes we have!
And we all have them. You can't get through this life without a hole or two!
Holes in our souls are drilled into all of us. They come through the spikes of life--hatred, anger, abuse, mistreatment, rejection, sickness, sorrow, loss of those we love,etc, etc, etc.
Life is kind of like walking through a minefield! You just never know what is going to hit you next!
So we walk around with holes in our heart. The question is: What can we do about it? How can we fix the hole situation?
I would say most people try to fill the holes up. If they can stuff them up with something, they won't hurt anymore. I thing the most popular hole stuffer is other people/relationships! We find someone we think will fill in the missing parts in our heart, and maybe it does for a while, but usually the stuffing starts falling out and the hole reemerges with a big vacuum sound--a sound most of us are pretty familiar with!
Another popular hole stuffer is self medicating. We want to kill the pain of the hole with something that makes us feel good--at least for a while.
Doesn't work.
Distraction is another way to avoid the hole--movies, parties, looking good, dating someone who looks good, being cool, whatever else we can think of.
Also, doesn't work.
And one more option we use to protect our hearts is to make it HARD-- where NOTHING can penetrate it. That can happen, even if we don't want it to, when we let anger and bitterness take over-- especially if we direct that anger at God. If we keep blaming God for everything bad that happens to us, our hearts get hard towards HIM. And eventually our hearts become like stone. Our hearts won't feel any pain if they become cold like stone, BUT they can't feel love either. We become cynical and life becomes shallow.
So how do we get through this life without our heart being riddled with holes?
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life." Proverbs 4:23
How can you guard a heart??? You can put up boundaries (guards) around your heart and only let certain things cross those boundaries--healthy things and healthy people. And there is only One you can totally trust with your heart. The Only One that deserves such an honor---the ONE Who made it! Not only can you trust HIM with it but HE can change that heart of stone into one of flesh that can feel again.
HE just did it for me a few weeks ago. HE restored my soul. HE filled up many of the holes in my heart. And HE will keep filling them as I open up and let HIM in.
How many people do you know that can do that? How many therapists can actually heal people? How many lovers can change the past even though they love you with great passion and genuiness? How many people can restore your soul?
HE is the Only One Who can and HE is the Only One you should give your heart to. HE will handle it carefully. And HE knows just what to do to close up all the holes that lay gaping open in your heart. HE fills them up with HIS healing and love. And then you can love other people with a pure love--a love that's not looking to get its holes filled.
That's how it's suppose to be. So let HIM heal that heart of yours. HE Is the Soul Hole Healer!
Any comments or thoughts please email Carol at: carolrtexas2@aol.com
Do you long for something else but you're not sure what?
Have your dreams died?
Do you wish your life had turned out different?
Is there sorrow in your soul?
Are you hurting right now?
If you can answer "yes" to any of these questions, then you probably have a "soul hole".
If you are wondering what a "soul hole" is-- it's a hole in your heart--not a physical one but a spiritual one. It 's a term I kind of made up, (I don't think I have ever heard that term before) but I think it's an accurate description of a wound or scar that comes into our heart. It's a result of living on this earth.
Now you may be thinking I am stuck on hearts since my last blog was about hearts. I do have a love for the concept of the heart. It all started when I read this book a few years ago called Waking the Dead. And if you haven't checked out this book by John Eldredge, please do. It was a life changing book for me. In this book, he vividly describes the spiritual heart of people. He talks about how we need to guard our hearts and that we damage our spiritual hearts when we give pieces of it away to others who do not care for it properly. The more often we give away our hearts---usually the more holes we have!
And we all have them. You can't get through this life without a hole or two!
Holes in our souls are drilled into all of us. They come through the spikes of life--hatred, anger, abuse, mistreatment, rejection, sickness, sorrow, loss of those we love,etc, etc, etc.
Life is kind of like walking through a minefield! You just never know what is going to hit you next!
So we walk around with holes in our heart. The question is: What can we do about it? How can we fix the hole situation?
I would say most people try to fill the holes up. If they can stuff them up with something, they won't hurt anymore. I thing the most popular hole stuffer is other people/relationships! We find someone we think will fill in the missing parts in our heart, and maybe it does for a while, but usually the stuffing starts falling out and the hole reemerges with a big vacuum sound--a sound most of us are pretty familiar with!
Another popular hole stuffer is self medicating. We want to kill the pain of the hole with something that makes us feel good--at least for a while.
Doesn't work.
Distraction is another way to avoid the hole--movies, parties, looking good, dating someone who looks good, being cool, whatever else we can think of.
Also, doesn't work.
And one more option we use to protect our hearts is to make it HARD-- where NOTHING can penetrate it. That can happen, even if we don't want it to, when we let anger and bitterness take over-- especially if we direct that anger at God. If we keep blaming God for everything bad that happens to us, our hearts get hard towards HIM. And eventually our hearts become like stone. Our hearts won't feel any pain if they become cold like stone, BUT they can't feel love either. We become cynical and life becomes shallow.
So how do we get through this life without our heart being riddled with holes?
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life." Proverbs 4:23
How can you guard a heart??? You can put up boundaries (guards) around your heart and only let certain things cross those boundaries--healthy things and healthy people. And there is only One you can totally trust with your heart. The Only One that deserves such an honor---the ONE Who made it! Not only can you trust HIM with it but HE can change that heart of stone into one of flesh that can feel again.
HE just did it for me a few weeks ago. HE restored my soul. HE filled up many of the holes in my heart. And HE will keep filling them as I open up and let HIM in.
How many people do you know that can do that? How many therapists can actually heal people? How many lovers can change the past even though they love you with great passion and genuiness? How many people can restore your soul?
HE is the Only One Who can and HE is the Only One you should give your heart to. HE will handle it carefully. And HE knows just what to do to close up all the holes that lay gaping open in your heart. HE fills them up with HIS healing and love. And then you can love other people with a pure love--a love that's not looking to get its holes filled.
That's how it's suppose to be. So let HIM heal that heart of yours. HE Is the Soul Hole Healer!
Any comments or thoughts please email Carol at: carolrtexas2@aol.com
Sunday, October 7, 2007
My Heart
I have been having some anxiety lately. For those of you who have struggled with anxiety or had panic attacks, my heart goes out to you. It seems to me, that it's the heart that anxiety affects the most. It felt like my heart was beating as fast as the racing thoughts going through my mind! It was not a comfortable feeling and I wondered a few times if I might be having a heart attack.
It all started this summer when we went to California. We were in Disneyland and decided to check out their submarine ride that had just reopened. We had to wait in line for over 45 minutes (no fast pass with this ride~). It was late at night and we were standing in line until the park was about to close. We just had to ride those submarines! (silly tourists)
Finally, we had the dubious pleasure of stepping into the ride--going down a winding staircase into a small cubicle-- as roomy as a sardine can. The ride would submerge just enough to give us the wonderful sensation of being in a submarine (which is about the last thing in the world I would ever want to do!) It was a cute ride though. We got to see fun little fish swim by and nice fake coral reefs-- AND every scene from every underwater Disney movie ever made!
It was all fine until all of the sudden a thought entered my head--"What would happen if I had a heart attack during this stupid, little ride?! How would I get out and how could they help me fast enough?" That's the moment when I let fear into my heart and I started having the first "panic attack" I think I have ever had. It was not a fun experience!
I'm sure my panic attack was a mild one compared to some. I could deal with it even though I was very uncomfortable. It did take all my energy to contain my fear, though, as each little Disney fish swam by and my heart was pounding harder and harder. I kept thinking-- when would this ride ever end? We had waited so long to get on and now I couldn't wait to get off!
Walking back to our hotel, I just couldn't shake the feeling. That's not the way you want to end your day at the Magic Kingdom. And it's not the way you want to end every night of your vacation-- waking up in the middle of the night, anxious and fearful, in a strange hotel room!
Kind of like a souvenir, I brought the anxiety home with me. I had thought maybe it would subside after I got home but I still couldn't shake it. My doctor had to give me medication so I could sleep. I had so much fear some nights that I was afraid to go to bed! The medication helped a little but I would still wake up in the middle of the night with the same thoughts flooding my mind.
I was at the point of exhaustion by the time I found help for my problem. That solution came the way most of my answers come--Prayer! I go to a church who really believes in praying for people so I asked them to pray for me.
It wasn't until the next Sunday that it occurred to me that I had not been struggling with anxiety hardly at all! I don't know why I hadn't noticed this earlier? Apparently, God had answered those prayers last Sunday! Amazingly, I hadn't even noticed! I couldn't believe it! I'm sure God was wondering when I might realize HE had helped me and that maybe, I would have the courtesy to thank HIM!
I went to church that day so grateful. God doesn't answer every prayer the way we want HIM to but HE does hear us when we pray. This time HE did answer the way I wanted and I never even realized it-- until a week later! I wonder how many prayers we've prayed that God answered and we NEVER realized it! It probably happens a lot!
We get so busy in this frantic world that we forget half the things we say--even to God! I think we all probably owe HIM some "thank-you's" . Our lives are touched each day by HIS hand whether we ask HIM or not and whether we realize it or not. We need to be more aware of HIS kindness. We usually blame HIM when things go wrong but rarely remember to thank HIM when things go right.
So, I would like to thank HIM right now, in my "blog", for all HE has done for me--especially these last few weeks! I want to thank HIM from the bottom of my heart!
If you have a comment or thought, please email Carol at : carolrtexas2@aol.com
It all started this summer when we went to California. We were in Disneyland and decided to check out their submarine ride that had just reopened. We had to wait in line for over 45 minutes (no fast pass with this ride~). It was late at night and we were standing in line until the park was about to close. We just had to ride those submarines! (silly tourists)
Finally, we had the dubious pleasure of stepping into the ride--going down a winding staircase into a small cubicle-- as roomy as a sardine can. The ride would submerge just enough to give us the wonderful sensation of being in a submarine (which is about the last thing in the world I would ever want to do!) It was a cute ride though. We got to see fun little fish swim by and nice fake coral reefs-- AND every scene from every underwater Disney movie ever made!
It was all fine until all of the sudden a thought entered my head--"What would happen if I had a heart attack during this stupid, little ride?! How would I get out and how could they help me fast enough?" That's the moment when I let fear into my heart and I started having the first "panic attack" I think I have ever had. It was not a fun experience!
I'm sure my panic attack was a mild one compared to some. I could deal with it even though I was very uncomfortable. It did take all my energy to contain my fear, though, as each little Disney fish swam by and my heart was pounding harder and harder. I kept thinking-- when would this ride ever end? We had waited so long to get on and now I couldn't wait to get off!
Walking back to our hotel, I just couldn't shake the feeling. That's not the way you want to end your day at the Magic Kingdom. And it's not the way you want to end every night of your vacation-- waking up in the middle of the night, anxious and fearful, in a strange hotel room!
Kind of like a souvenir, I brought the anxiety home with me. I had thought maybe it would subside after I got home but I still couldn't shake it. My doctor had to give me medication so I could sleep. I had so much fear some nights that I was afraid to go to bed! The medication helped a little but I would still wake up in the middle of the night with the same thoughts flooding my mind.
I was at the point of exhaustion by the time I found help for my problem. That solution came the way most of my answers come--Prayer! I go to a church who really believes in praying for people so I asked them to pray for me.
It wasn't until the next Sunday that it occurred to me that I had not been struggling with anxiety hardly at all! I don't know why I hadn't noticed this earlier? Apparently, God had answered those prayers last Sunday! Amazingly, I hadn't even noticed! I couldn't believe it! I'm sure God was wondering when I might realize HE had helped me and that maybe, I would have the courtesy to thank HIM!
I went to church that day so grateful. God doesn't answer every prayer the way we want HIM to but HE does hear us when we pray. This time HE did answer the way I wanted and I never even realized it-- until a week later! I wonder how many prayers we've prayed that God answered and we NEVER realized it! It probably happens a lot!
We get so busy in this frantic world that we forget half the things we say--even to God! I think we all probably owe HIM some "thank-you's" . Our lives are touched each day by HIS hand whether we ask HIM or not and whether we realize it or not. We need to be more aware of HIS kindness. We usually blame HIM when things go wrong but rarely remember to thank HIM when things go right.
So, I would like to thank HIM right now, in my "blog", for all HE has done for me--especially these last few weeks! I want to thank HIM from the bottom of my heart!
If you have a comment or thought, please email Carol at : carolrtexas2@aol.com
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
My Floatation "Device"
This blog is a little personal but I wanted to share it because it was so lifechanging to me. And, afterall, I just wrote a blog on being transparent!
This happened a few weeks ago and is one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to me! But I need to give you a little background before it will be that meaningful to you.
I experienced abuse as a child--both verbally and sexually. I am not going to go into the gory details or mention the perpetrator but, suffice it to say, I was quite damaged by it. The abuse would happen sporadically over a period of about 8 years.
My response to it was to shut down and minimize the pain until it would seem to go away. That worked for a while but by the time I got to college, I couldn't remember parts of my childhood which increasingly bothered me. I would get very depressed and I had a very low self esteem. That would explain one of the reasons I had very few friends.
But while sitting in a psychology class my sophmore year, my teacher started talking about sexual abuse and the ramifications of it. For some reason, that seemed to draw out my "forgotten childhood". Very soon, many of the memories I had neatly tucked away came flooding out of my soul like a torrent! I thought I was losing my mind. I knew in my heart these memories were true but I didn't know how to deal with them. They were like old family movies I had never seen before--and never wanted to see again.
Fortunately, one of the answers to my prayers (spoken under that tree the year before) came to me in an extraordinary "gift" named Susan (who is still an incredible gift to me)! She walked with me through this crisis and held my hand through some of the most soul wrenching times in my life. I think I would have fallen to pieces if God had not so timely blessed me with such a friend. She encouraged me to get counseling and helped me to get started on what would be a life long journey of therapy.
Did therapy help? Yes, in many ways because I came out of the denial I had been living in for so long. Was I healed through the years of counseling with all the different therapists I went to? NO. I gained insight. It helped to talk to someone and get their perspective on what happened. But I never really changed. I just kept living in my dysfunctional state.
Few knew what I was going through because I managed to live a relatively normal life. But inside-- I was a mess. The roots of my dysfunction went deep and it was going to take more than therapy to pull them out. Much of what we believe about ourselves comes from those early years of our life. And what I believed about myself was not good.
So, for as long as I can remember, I have been a big mess. As I got older, my mess got messier and after trying to change for many years, I started thinking I was a hopeless mess. I learned ways to deaden my pain. I fell into relationships that only created more mess for me and the person that had the unfortune of getting entangled with me. I left a trail of messes down my path as I attempted to live my life-- hurting people all along the way. And things weren't getting any better.
Then I met my husband, Tim. And we were blessed with a son, Luke. I carried my messy baggage into their world. Now my undone business was affecting the people I loved the most. I now had to find help for all our sakes--it wasn't just my mess anymore. So for the past few years I have really been seeking help for my problems. But no matter what I did or who I went to, there seemed to be no lasting help. UNTIL..........
A friend told me about a lady at her church who not only talks with people but prays for them too! I thought to myself-- it couldn't hurt and what did I have to lose? But I really didn't expect it to work.
I went to her and found that she was one of the most validating people I had ever met! She listened to my story and showed me aspects of it that I had never thought of before. I started to understand why I was the way I was! She showed me God's love by inviting HIM into the process. We asked HIM to help us uncover my shame, expose the lies I had believed as a child, and open the way for my healing. He made a path through the mess of my life and showed me the way out!
I went to her quite a few times over the past year. It has been a process of uncovering and praying. And even with such progress, things did not happen overnight. But the "big one" happened just recently. I met with her and one of the men on staff who also does this type of prayer. It's called Theophostic Prayer.
They asked me where I was in pain right now and I told them what I was going through. Then we prayed and asked God to show me what I needed to see in this pain that I was experiencing . I then suddenly remembered as a child how I felt after the first abuse happened and how I reacted to it. I shut down. I couldn't process it in my child mind so I just pretended like it didn't happen. That was how I coped with it so I could still be a little girl. So it was there that I learned to minimize my pain and even dismiss it! And that is how I have dealt with pain ever since.
And that is where the enemy of my soul came in and began the lies that have played through my mind like a stuck record: "you are obviously no good or this wouldn't have happened to you" --- "you are worthless"---"you are evil"---"you are perverted"-- "no one really likes you", etc., etc. etc. And that tape has been playing over and over in my life for many years.
After that revelation, we all prayed again and asked God where HE was in the midst of al of this trauma drama in my early years? In my mind I saw it as clearly as the sun rising in the morning sky! HE was there! I could see HIM in my "mind's eye" as I ran into my room sobbing. HE was sitting there, waiting for me, with HIS arms wide open! I ran into HIS arms and HE embraced me. HE covered my shame. I was enveloped in HIS love! HE was there all along, I just hadn't known before. HE had been waiting there to help me. HE did not want this for me (or anyone) but people have free choice in this world and when they don't follow HIM--they often follow the one who hates us and then things like this happen to the innocent.
And then, every time I pictured the abuse happening again, I would run to HIM and HE was always there (just as HE is always there for us now) and HE would just hold me as I poured out my sorrow to HIM...........
Can I tell you that I floated out of that room! I wish I could share with you in words all that I felt! Words are inadequate, but the freedom that I found in that spiritual experience has been real! I can tell you that God did something that day that appears to be a lasting work. I have been floating around ever since. And I know I can't stay on this cloud forever, but I do know that HE opened the door of deliverance and healing for me. Now it's up to me to walk through it and follow close to the Healer of my soul! AMEN!
If you wish to respond to Carol, email her at:
carolrtexas2@aol.com
This happened a few weeks ago and is one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to me! But I need to give you a little background before it will be that meaningful to you.
I experienced abuse as a child--both verbally and sexually. I am not going to go into the gory details or mention the perpetrator but, suffice it to say, I was quite damaged by it. The abuse would happen sporadically over a period of about 8 years.
My response to it was to shut down and minimize the pain until it would seem to go away. That worked for a while but by the time I got to college, I couldn't remember parts of my childhood which increasingly bothered me. I would get very depressed and I had a very low self esteem. That would explain one of the reasons I had very few friends.
But while sitting in a psychology class my sophmore year, my teacher started talking about sexual abuse and the ramifications of it. For some reason, that seemed to draw out my "forgotten childhood". Very soon, many of the memories I had neatly tucked away came flooding out of my soul like a torrent! I thought I was losing my mind. I knew in my heart these memories were true but I didn't know how to deal with them. They were like old family movies I had never seen before--and never wanted to see again.
Fortunately, one of the answers to my prayers (spoken under that tree the year before) came to me in an extraordinary "gift" named Susan (who is still an incredible gift to me)! She walked with me through this crisis and held my hand through some of the most soul wrenching times in my life. I think I would have fallen to pieces if God had not so timely blessed me with such a friend. She encouraged me to get counseling and helped me to get started on what would be a life long journey of therapy.
Did therapy help? Yes, in many ways because I came out of the denial I had been living in for so long. Was I healed through the years of counseling with all the different therapists I went to? NO. I gained insight. It helped to talk to someone and get their perspective on what happened. But I never really changed. I just kept living in my dysfunctional state.
Few knew what I was going through because I managed to live a relatively normal life. But inside-- I was a mess. The roots of my dysfunction went deep and it was going to take more than therapy to pull them out. Much of what we believe about ourselves comes from those early years of our life. And what I believed about myself was not good.
So, for as long as I can remember, I have been a big mess. As I got older, my mess got messier and after trying to change for many years, I started thinking I was a hopeless mess. I learned ways to deaden my pain. I fell into relationships that only created more mess for me and the person that had the unfortune of getting entangled with me. I left a trail of messes down my path as I attempted to live my life-- hurting people all along the way. And things weren't getting any better.
Then I met my husband, Tim. And we were blessed with a son, Luke. I carried my messy baggage into their world. Now my undone business was affecting the people I loved the most. I now had to find help for all our sakes--it wasn't just my mess anymore. So for the past few years I have really been seeking help for my problems. But no matter what I did or who I went to, there seemed to be no lasting help. UNTIL..........
A friend told me about a lady at her church who not only talks with people but prays for them too! I thought to myself-- it couldn't hurt and what did I have to lose? But I really didn't expect it to work.
I went to her and found that she was one of the most validating people I had ever met! She listened to my story and showed me aspects of it that I had never thought of before. I started to understand why I was the way I was! She showed me God's love by inviting HIM into the process. We asked HIM to help us uncover my shame, expose the lies I had believed as a child, and open the way for my healing. He made a path through the mess of my life and showed me the way out!
I went to her quite a few times over the past year. It has been a process of uncovering and praying. And even with such progress, things did not happen overnight. But the "big one" happened just recently. I met with her and one of the men on staff who also does this type of prayer. It's called Theophostic Prayer.
They asked me where I was in pain right now and I told them what I was going through. Then we prayed and asked God to show me what I needed to see in this pain that I was experiencing . I then suddenly remembered as a child how I felt after the first abuse happened and how I reacted to it. I shut down. I couldn't process it in my child mind so I just pretended like it didn't happen. That was how I coped with it so I could still be a little girl. So it was there that I learned to minimize my pain and even dismiss it! And that is how I have dealt with pain ever since.
And that is where the enemy of my soul came in and began the lies that have played through my mind like a stuck record: "you are obviously no good or this wouldn't have happened to you" --- "you are worthless"---"you are evil"---"you are perverted"-- "no one really likes you", etc., etc. etc. And that tape has been playing over and over in my life for many years.
After that revelation, we all prayed again and asked God where HE was in the midst of al of this trauma drama in my early years? In my mind I saw it as clearly as the sun rising in the morning sky! HE was there! I could see HIM in my "mind's eye" as I ran into my room sobbing. HE was sitting there, waiting for me, with HIS arms wide open! I ran into HIS arms and HE embraced me. HE covered my shame. I was enveloped in HIS love! HE was there all along, I just hadn't known before. HE had been waiting there to help me. HE did not want this for me (or anyone) but people have free choice in this world and when they don't follow HIM--they often follow the one who hates us and then things like this happen to the innocent.
And then, every time I pictured the abuse happening again, I would run to HIM and HE was always there (just as HE is always there for us now) and HE would just hold me as I poured out my sorrow to HIM...........
Can I tell you that I floated out of that room! I wish I could share with you in words all that I felt! Words are inadequate, but the freedom that I found in that spiritual experience has been real! I can tell you that God did something that day that appears to be a lasting work. I have been floating around ever since. And I know I can't stay on this cloud forever, but I do know that HE opened the door of deliverance and healing for me. Now it's up to me to walk through it and follow close to the Healer of my soul! AMEN!
If you wish to respond to Carol, email her at:
carolrtexas2@aol.com
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