My Floatation "Device"

This blog is a little personal but I wanted to share it because it was so lifechanging to me. And, afterall, I just wrote a blog on being transparent!

This happened a few weeks ago and is one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to me! But I need to give you a little background before it will be that meaningful to you.

I experienced abuse as a child--both verbally and sexually. I am not going to go into the gory details or mention the perpetrator but, suffice it to say, I was quite damaged by it. The abuse would happen sporadically over a period of about 8 years.

My response to it was to shut down and minimize the pain until it would seem to go away. That worked for a while but by the time I got to college, I couldn't remember parts of my childhood which increasingly bothered me. I would get very depressed and I had a very low self esteem. That would explain one of the reasons I had very few friends.

But while sitting in a psychology class my sophmore year, my teacher started talking about sexual abuse and the ramifications of it. For some reason, that seemed to draw out my "forgotten childhood". Very soon, many of the memories I had neatly tucked away came flooding out of my soul like a torrent! I thought I was losing my mind. I knew in my heart these memories were true but I didn't know how to deal with them. They were like old family movies I had never seen before--and never wanted to see again.

Fortunately, one of the answers to my prayers (spoken under that tree the year before) came to me in an extraordinary "gift" named Susan (who is still an incredible gift to me)! She walked with me through this crisis and held my hand through some of the most soul wrenching times in my life. I think I would have fallen to pieces if God had not so timely blessed me with such a friend. She encouraged me to get counseling and helped me to get started on what would be a life long journey of therapy.

Did therapy help? Yes, in many ways because I came out of the denial I had been living in for so long. Was I healed through the years of counseling with all the different therapists I went to? NO. I gained insight. It helped to talk to someone and get their perspective on what happened. But I never really changed. I just kept living in my dysfunctional state.

Few knew what I was going through because I managed to live a relatively normal life. But inside-- I was a mess. The roots of my dysfunction went deep and it was going to take more than therapy to pull them out. Much of what we believe about ourselves comes from those early years of our life. And what I believed about myself was not good.

So, for as long as I can remember, I have been a big mess. As I got older, my mess got messier and after trying to change for many years, I started thinking I was a hopeless mess. I learned ways to deaden my pain. I fell into relationships that only created more mess for me and the person that had the unfortune of getting entangled with me. I left a trail of messes down my path as I attempted to live my life-- hurting people all along the way. And things weren't getting any better.

Then I met my husband, Tim. And we were blessed with a son, Luke. I carried my messy baggage into their world. Now my undone business was affecting the people I loved the most. I now had to find help for all our sakes--it wasn't just my mess anymore. So for the past few years I have really been seeking help for my problems. But no matter what I did or who I went to, there seemed to be no lasting help. UNTIL..........

A friend told me about a lady at her church who not only talks with people but prays for them too! I thought to myself-- it couldn't hurt and what did I have to lose? But I really didn't expect it to work.

I went to her and found that she was one of the most validating people I had ever met! She listened to my story and showed me aspects of it that I had never thought of before. I started to understand why I was the way I was! She showed me God's love by inviting HIM into the process. We asked HIM to help us uncover my shame, expose the lies I had believed as a child, and open the way for my healing. He made a path through the mess of my life and showed me the way out!

I went to her quite a few times over the past year. It has been a process of uncovering and praying. And even with such progress, things did not happen overnight. But the "big one" happened just recently. I met with her and one of the men on staff who also does this type of prayer. It's called Theophostic Prayer.

They asked me where I was in pain right now and I told them what I was going through. Then we prayed and asked God to show me what I needed to see in this pain that I was experiencing . I then suddenly remembered as a child how I felt after the first abuse happened and how I reacted to it. I shut down. I couldn't process it in my child mind so I just pretended like it didn't happen. That was how I coped with it so I could still be a little girl. So it was there that I learned to minimize my pain and even dismiss it! And that is how I have dealt with pain ever since.

And that is where the enemy of my soul came in and began the lies that have played through my mind like a stuck record: "you are obviously no good or this wouldn't have happened to you" --- "you are worthless"---"you are evil"---"you are perverted"-- "no one really likes you", etc., etc. etc. And that tape has been playing over and over in my life for many years.

After that revelation, we all prayed again and asked God where HE was in the midst of al of this trauma drama in my early years? In my mind I saw it as clearly as the sun rising in the morning sky! HE was there! I could see HIM in my "mind's eye" as I ran into my room sobbing. HE was sitting there, waiting for me, with HIS arms wide open! I ran into HIS arms and HE embraced me. HE covered my shame. I was enveloped in HIS love! HE was there all along, I just hadn't known before. HE had been waiting there to help me. HE did not want this for me (or anyone) but people have free choice in this world and when they don't follow HIM--they often follow the one who hates us and then things like this happen to the innocent.

And then, every time I pictured the abuse happening again, I would run to HIM and HE was always there (just as HE is always there for us now) and HE would just hold me as I poured out my sorrow to HIM...........

Can I tell you that I floated out of that room! I wish I could share with you in words all that I felt! Words are inadequate, but the freedom that I found in that spiritual experience has been real! I can tell you that God did something that day that appears to be a lasting work. I have been floating around ever since. And I know I can't stay on this cloud forever, but I do know that HE opened the door of deliverance and healing for me. Now it's up to me to walk through it and follow close to the Healer of my soul! AMEN!

If you wish to respond to Carol, email her at:
carolrtexas2@aol.com