We just got home from the beach and it's only three days after Christmas! Today was warm for December so we decided to take the opportunity and get some fresh air. It's the first place I've really gone since I got sick on Christmas. So it was nice to get out and soak up some sun. We took our Westie, Sugar, out to run free on the beach and she had so much fun! It was a great day!
I love going to the beach anytime of year because I feel close to God there. The waves remind me of HIS mighty power. The amazing expanse of the ocean reminds me God cannot be put into a box. And the constant movement of the waves fill me with a peace that no other place on earth offers.
While I was walking along the shore today, I remembered another special day I had on the beach many years ago--about 15 or so. Tim and I had just gone through another miscarriage and our hearts were crushed. The people where I worked at the time, Youth Guidance, felt badly for us and so they blessed us with several days away on the East End in Montauk. This is one of our favorite places but I wasn't sure if we could find any "sunshine" for our souls--- even there.
Depression reigned in our hearts as we arrived at our hotel there on the beach. We both went our separate ways as we prepared to deal with our sorrow in our own way. The ocean is the most healing place I know of on earth, so I was hopeful.
I decided to take a walk on the beach--maybe I would try to jog a little even though I was very much out of shape. I tried my best but I could only go a few feet without gasping for air. At that moment I felt such despair that I wanted to just give up on life. I felt so ugly and fat. I wanted to go in my hotel room and just cry. The ocean offered no comfort even though it was a beautiful day to be there.
But then, just as suddenly as my feeling of despair had come, it was as if the Lord, God of the Universe, spoke to me and asked me to praise HIM. I said out loud that I didn't feel like praising HIM. But HE didn't give up and asked me to do it anyway and that it would be a "sacrifice of Praise". I agreed that is exactly what it would be--a sacrifice!
I thought to myself --what could I possibly be thankful for? (which is sad that I even had that ridiculous thought). But then I said out loud but only as a whisper--"thank You, God, for the ocean"-- since it was right in front of me and that was all I could think of. And, I found, it wasn't that hard to say "thank you". So I continued, "thank You for the sun--and the birds--and the sand--and the shells (and I expounded) that are like treasures lying there for the taking." It was getting easier! "And God, thank You for making me----fat and all. Thank You for my body even though I have let it get so out of shape. And thank You for the fact that I can walk and move. Thank You for letting me be here and that I can see the beauty around me."
And on and on I went until I felt pretty good!
As a matter of fact, I felt so good that I felt like running. And I took off and ran and ran and ran! I ran so long that when I finally stopped, I was in an isolated part of the beach. I began to praise and worship the ONE WHO made the waves. I danced with the waves and shouted and exalted in HIM! I was out there for hours!
When I got back to the hotel, I was one of the happiest hotel guests in the place-- And one of the most sun burned! Tim was amazed at my transformation. So was I! And it lasted!
I came back to Huntington and started working out. I started eating right and got down to the size I was when I moved here. I felt great-- inside and out!
And I started believing God and what HE says in HIS Word. And I started to believe HE would give us a child. I found Scriptures that comforted me and strengthened my faith. And my faith grew.
We were going to a Fertility specialist at the time and we were supposed to have a procedure done. But for some reason, I knew we didn't need it. I had a peace that God was going to give us a child without medical "expertise".
Nine months later, I was proved to be right. My precious son, Luke, was born on February 17th and our lives have never been the same. He is a gift that Tim and I continue to cherish and we know, maybe more than most, that he is indeed a miracle!
When I go to the ocean, I am often reminded of that special day on the beach when it seemed all was lost. But nothing is lost when it's given to HIM. Things don't always turn out the way we want but HE always works it out for our good if we trust HIM!
May we remember WHO HE is in this coming year. HE is as real as the majestic, roaring ocean and all things are possible with HIM!
May 2008 be a year of HIS mighty hand in your life!
carolrtexas2@aol.com
Friday, December 28, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Thanksgiving a Little Late
I haven't written anything in a while. I guess I haven't felt the inspiration to write.
I have been battling with dark thoughts lately. It just seems like everything is dark around me. This time of year is beautiful with the fall colors but the leaves are quickly dropping away and the stark limbs are a dreary reminder that winter is coming. And for those of you who didn't know, during the fall and winter in the Northeast, it gets dark here by 4:30~!!! It's almost too much darkness! And I'm finding it very depressing. It just adds to the feeling of being blue (or maybe it's even causing it!)
I have to keep reminding myself that so many factors could be causing the sadness I feel lately. It could be the lack of daylight and my hormones going crazy and who knows what else that is effecting my mood. It is such an effort to not wallow in these dark moods.
I saw this show recently where a blind woman was talking about how important it is to monitor our self talk. She says we are rarely aware of what we're saying to ourselves and that we should tune in. She said that most of us are playing some very destructive tapes in our heads. Most of the messages are negative and critical and were usually recorded when we were young. We just heard the words so much that they have become the norm to us and now it's the message we continue to listen to. It's like our minds have been programed to self destruct on their own!
And if you haven't read the book, Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer, I would recommend it heartily! In it, she describes how most of our problems originate in the mind. That's where the battle is fought and won (or lost).
Well, there is a battle raging in my head right now, that's for sure. I can almost feel my thoughts getting their "heads" blown off as I struggle to write this blog.
I have to take hold of my thoughts and command them to go in a different direction. I have to give them new orders because I can't just let them do what they want. Otherwise I'm going to lose this battle!
I think my thoughts will need to be reprogrammed. I need to feed my thoughts with positive seeds so good thoughts will be produced. I need to pull these negative, gloomy thoughts out of my mind by the root! And I need to focus on the good things in my life and be thankful instead of focusing on what I don't have. Of course it sounds good on paper but can I make it happen?
"Being thankful is what you do, when you're feeling a little blue."
OK then, let me try to be thankful even though it's about the last thing I want to do right now.
(Ten minute break)
I took a break and wrote down the things I am thankful for and it was a nice exercise. What surprised me about it was the order in which I randomly wrote things down. I started with my health which is certainly important but then I realized I wrote my faith down on number 7 and my family after that! The ones before were other physical things I was thankful for and I even put my job at number 6 and I don't really like my job that much! I am thankful to have it because it brings in a little extra cash but i don't enjoy the job of being a substitute teacher!
That made me realize that I'm often not aware of what I'm really thankful for. I kind of haphazardly go my way each day oblivious to the blessings that surround me. It made me want to make more of an effort to be aware of, and to be thankful for, my many blessings~~~
These are just some of the thoughts that went through my head today after doing this very painless exercise. It was easy and it made me think about my life and what's good about it --which is always a positive step!
So I just wanted to encourage you to do a "Thankful List" too even though Thanksgiving is over. It might give you a better perspective on your life.
You could ask yourself things like:
Do you think about your blessings each day?
If you do, how do you show your appreciation?
Do you thank God for these blessings?
Or do you just attribute them to luck?
What are you most grateful for?
How can you live a more contented, grateful life?
I am going to try and be thankful for the rest of this day. I'm not going to look at the dark things for now. I'm going to try and focus on what I consider blessings.
And I don't think it would hurt any of us to make Thanksgiving a way of life and not just something we celebrate once a year.
"To be thankful is to be truly alive!"
I'm feeling better already! Thanks for listening :)
Comments: carolrtexas2@aol.com
PS
By the way, I'm very thankful for each of you!
I have been battling with dark thoughts lately. It just seems like everything is dark around me. This time of year is beautiful with the fall colors but the leaves are quickly dropping away and the stark limbs are a dreary reminder that winter is coming. And for those of you who didn't know, during the fall and winter in the Northeast, it gets dark here by 4:30~!!! It's almost too much darkness! And I'm finding it very depressing. It just adds to the feeling of being blue (or maybe it's even causing it!)
I have to keep reminding myself that so many factors could be causing the sadness I feel lately. It could be the lack of daylight and my hormones going crazy and who knows what else that is effecting my mood. It is such an effort to not wallow in these dark moods.
I saw this show recently where a blind woman was talking about how important it is to monitor our self talk. She says we are rarely aware of what we're saying to ourselves and that we should tune in. She said that most of us are playing some very destructive tapes in our heads. Most of the messages are negative and critical and were usually recorded when we were young. We just heard the words so much that they have become the norm to us and now it's the message we continue to listen to. It's like our minds have been programed to self destruct on their own!
And if you haven't read the book, Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer, I would recommend it heartily! In it, she describes how most of our problems originate in the mind. That's where the battle is fought and won (or lost).
Well, there is a battle raging in my head right now, that's for sure. I can almost feel my thoughts getting their "heads" blown off as I struggle to write this blog.
I have to take hold of my thoughts and command them to go in a different direction. I have to give them new orders because I can't just let them do what they want. Otherwise I'm going to lose this battle!
I think my thoughts will need to be reprogrammed. I need to feed my thoughts with positive seeds so good thoughts will be produced. I need to pull these negative, gloomy thoughts out of my mind by the root! And I need to focus on the good things in my life and be thankful instead of focusing on what I don't have. Of course it sounds good on paper but can I make it happen?
"Being thankful is what you do, when you're feeling a little blue."
OK then, let me try to be thankful even though it's about the last thing I want to do right now.
(Ten minute break)
I took a break and wrote down the things I am thankful for and it was a nice exercise. What surprised me about it was the order in which I randomly wrote things down. I started with my health which is certainly important but then I realized I wrote my faith down on number 7 and my family after that! The ones before were other physical things I was thankful for and I even put my job at number 6 and I don't really like my job that much! I am thankful to have it because it brings in a little extra cash but i don't enjoy the job of being a substitute teacher!
That made me realize that I'm often not aware of what I'm really thankful for. I kind of haphazardly go my way each day oblivious to the blessings that surround me. It made me want to make more of an effort to be aware of, and to be thankful for, my many blessings~~~
These are just some of the thoughts that went through my head today after doing this very painless exercise. It was easy and it made me think about my life and what's good about it --which is always a positive step!
So I just wanted to encourage you to do a "Thankful List" too even though Thanksgiving is over. It might give you a better perspective on your life.
You could ask yourself things like:
Do you think about your blessings each day?
If you do, how do you show your appreciation?
Do you thank God for these blessings?
Or do you just attribute them to luck?
What are you most grateful for?
How can you live a more contented, grateful life?
I am going to try and be thankful for the rest of this day. I'm not going to look at the dark things for now. I'm going to try and focus on what I consider blessings.
And I don't think it would hurt any of us to make Thanksgiving a way of life and not just something we celebrate once a year.
"To be thankful is to be truly alive!"
I'm feeling better already! Thanks for listening :)
Comments: carolrtexas2@aol.com
PS
By the way, I'm very thankful for each of you!
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
My Last Neatly Packaged Blog
Someone responded to my last blog "Got Peace?" and said he could relate to the beginning of the blog but not to the end of it. He understood how it is trying to find a rare, peaceful minute in this life but he could not relate to the end of my blog. That's the one where I neatly packaged my story with the "get Jesus and you'll get peace" ribbon.
He is a Christian but he said he wished it were that simple to find peace. I do too!
I felt like I had succumbed to a weakness I have always had which is to wrap everything up in my mind with a tidy, nice ending. I like happy endings and I always want my stories and musings to have one but I think I made the bow too big on this one.
Life is simply not that simple and I, of all people, know that. That is why I have repressed so many bad memories because they don't fit into my happy ending ideology. So forgive me for the trite ending of my last blog. It was not fitting. It was not honest.
I do believe what I said is true but not how I presented it. If you truly abide in Jesus you will have peace. But I am no expert in the peace department and I shouldn't have come across as one.
So if you don't have peace in your life, I empathize , because I don't very often either. I think it's hard to live under the "shadow of the Almighty" all the time in this fallen world. I believe Jesus did it but He's probably the only ONE Who really succeeded at it.
For the rest of us, it's a hit and miss endeavor. Sometimes we live in that reality and sometimes we don't. When we do, it's glorious because nothing can touch us there. But more often than not, the world gropes at us with its worries and troubles and we usually let it snatch our peace away. And I think that's where the majority of us live most of the time.
So, to end this blog, I will do it more honestly this time. I wish I had more peace in my life. I long for it, crave it and need it. And the older I get, the more I desire it. I do believe very much in Heaven and that I will find peace there that is unimaginable. But in the meantime, I'd like to find more of it down here.
Any suggestions or comments, write carol at: carolrtexas2@aol.com
She'd love to hear from you! Honestly!
He is a Christian but he said he wished it were that simple to find peace. I do too!
I felt like I had succumbed to a weakness I have always had which is to wrap everything up in my mind with a tidy, nice ending. I like happy endings and I always want my stories and musings to have one but I think I made the bow too big on this one.
Life is simply not that simple and I, of all people, know that. That is why I have repressed so many bad memories because they don't fit into my happy ending ideology. So forgive me for the trite ending of my last blog. It was not fitting. It was not honest.
I do believe what I said is true but not how I presented it. If you truly abide in Jesus you will have peace. But I am no expert in the peace department and I shouldn't have come across as one.
So if you don't have peace in your life, I empathize , because I don't very often either. I think it's hard to live under the "shadow of the Almighty" all the time in this fallen world. I believe Jesus did it but He's probably the only ONE Who really succeeded at it.
For the rest of us, it's a hit and miss endeavor. Sometimes we live in that reality and sometimes we don't. When we do, it's glorious because nothing can touch us there. But more often than not, the world gropes at us with its worries and troubles and we usually let it snatch our peace away. And I think that's where the majority of us live most of the time.
So, to end this blog, I will do it more honestly this time. I wish I had more peace in my life. I long for it, crave it and need it. And the older I get, the more I desire it. I do believe very much in Heaven and that I will find peace there that is unimaginable. But in the meantime, I'd like to find more of it down here.
Any suggestions or comments, write carol at: carolrtexas2@aol.com
She'd love to hear from you! Honestly!
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Got Peace?
It's Sunday and we just got home from church. We have to leave in a few hours to go to a party in New Jersey for a friend of the family. So I'm thinking that I would like to take a little nap before we go.
I am just about to nod off when the phone rings. Then, as if on cue my dog ,Sugar, barks because she sees a squirrel outside. So with great urgency, she jumps on me from the top of the couch where she had been looking out the window. She runs to the back of the house to see if the squirrel is in the backyard where she would just love to catch it and mangle it. And much to Sugar's delight, my son had just gone out and left the door open!! So she got to run outside and actually chase the squirrel (something she usually only imagines). Tim saw the whole thing transpire so he knew that he was the lucky one who would have to run after her (the dog-not the squirrel). While he was gone the gutter guy showed up--on a Sunday! And after the phone rang a few more times (Luke's friends call every 3 minutes unless you pick up the phone to tell them he's not there), I decided to give up the notion of a nap~~~~
Peace. An elusive state of being.
Sometimes I find it and then it's gone. It's like a gentle dove. Doves will fly away at the slightest noise or disturbance. Peace is like that--gone at the slightest provocation.
A few mornings ago, I decided to take a walk. I love this time of year with the leaves changing color and the crisp, cool air. I just wanted to take it all in so I set out to get some exercise while enjoying the season. About the exact same time, a man nearby decided this would be a good time to turn on his leaf blower (Who invented these? And what purpose do they really serve other than to move leaves around and annoy neighbors?) This also happened to be the time of morning when the garbage trucks started their job. And the dog across the street had to start barking and prompted several other dogs to do the same thing. And of course, a morning would not be complete without a few sirens going down the street or a car alarm going off!
Once again, peace eluded me.
But what if I had found the peace I sought this particular morning? How long would it have lasted?
One of my cousins just moved with her husband to a town in Oklahoma so they could be close to their son and his children. They had everything now. A nice house close to their family and life was good. Six months later, she died. How long did her peaceful existence last? Not long.
My conclusion: peace is not included in the gift of life! If you happen to find it, you won't keep it long. If one moment has it, the next one won't! If this war ends, another one will soon follow. If everything is going great, it won't last.
I sound like a pessimist but I am also speaking a truth that no one likes to hear. This world offers no permanent peace. No matter how hard we try to arrange life to our liking, it won't stay the way we want it.
"They will seek peace, but there will be none."
So it would seem that we must seek peace someplace other than here because obviously, we're not going to find it on this planet.
Is there any place that does have it?
Does anyone have the answer?
Do we have to die to find peace?
"Yes,... yes ....and.... no."
There is a place that has it and there is Someone Who knows the Answer and we don't have to wait until we die to find it!
Well, this is good news-- finally!
So where is this place that has lasting peace?
Right here, right now, on this earth!
I thought you said there is no peace on this earth?
There isn't-- if you don't know the Man. It's not the place that is important--it's the Person.
And WHO is this Person Who has the Answer?
Jesus, the Son of God. HE can give us peace in this troublesome world.
"These things I have spoken to you, that in ME you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer. I have overcome the world."
John 16:33
"Peace I leave with you, MY peace I give
to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27
Any thoughts or comments? Email Carol at: carolrtexas2@aol.com
I am just about to nod off when the phone rings. Then, as if on cue my dog ,Sugar, barks because she sees a squirrel outside. So with great urgency, she jumps on me from the top of the couch where she had been looking out the window. She runs to the back of the house to see if the squirrel is in the backyard where she would just love to catch it and mangle it. And much to Sugar's delight, my son had just gone out and left the door open!! So she got to run outside and actually chase the squirrel (something she usually only imagines). Tim saw the whole thing transpire so he knew that he was the lucky one who would have to run after her (the dog-not the squirrel). While he was gone the gutter guy showed up--on a Sunday! And after the phone rang a few more times (Luke's friends call every 3 minutes unless you pick up the phone to tell them he's not there), I decided to give up the notion of a nap~~~~
Peace. An elusive state of being.
Sometimes I find it and then it's gone. It's like a gentle dove. Doves will fly away at the slightest noise or disturbance. Peace is like that--gone at the slightest provocation.
A few mornings ago, I decided to take a walk. I love this time of year with the leaves changing color and the crisp, cool air. I just wanted to take it all in so I set out to get some exercise while enjoying the season. About the exact same time, a man nearby decided this would be a good time to turn on his leaf blower (Who invented these? And what purpose do they really serve other than to move leaves around and annoy neighbors?) This also happened to be the time of morning when the garbage trucks started their job. And the dog across the street had to start barking and prompted several other dogs to do the same thing. And of course, a morning would not be complete without a few sirens going down the street or a car alarm going off!
Once again, peace eluded me.
But what if I had found the peace I sought this particular morning? How long would it have lasted?
One of my cousins just moved with her husband to a town in Oklahoma so they could be close to their son and his children. They had everything now. A nice house close to their family and life was good. Six months later, she died. How long did her peaceful existence last? Not long.
My conclusion: peace is not included in the gift of life! If you happen to find it, you won't keep it long. If one moment has it, the next one won't! If this war ends, another one will soon follow. If everything is going great, it won't last.
I sound like a pessimist but I am also speaking a truth that no one likes to hear. This world offers no permanent peace. No matter how hard we try to arrange life to our liking, it won't stay the way we want it.
"They will seek peace, but there will be none."
So it would seem that we must seek peace someplace other than here because obviously, we're not going to find it on this planet.
Is there any place that does have it?
Does anyone have the answer?
Do we have to die to find peace?
"Yes,... yes ....and.... no."
There is a place that has it and there is Someone Who knows the Answer and we don't have to wait until we die to find it!
Well, this is good news-- finally!
So where is this place that has lasting peace?
Right here, right now, on this earth!
I thought you said there is no peace on this earth?
There isn't-- if you don't know the Man. It's not the place that is important--it's the Person.
And WHO is this Person Who has the Answer?
Jesus, the Son of God. HE can give us peace in this troublesome world.
"These things I have spoken to you, that in ME you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer. I have overcome the world."
John 16:33
"Peace I leave with you, MY peace I give
to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27Any thoughts or comments? Email Carol at: carolrtexas2@aol.com
Friday, October 26, 2007
A Lost Child Remembers
I'm laying on my couch on a Friday night at 11pm and it's raining outside (one of my favorite sounds in the world). My son is down in the basement with his friends and they are laughing. I know this is a moment I want to treasure and so I make a mental recording of it in my mind. The sound of the rain and the sound of my son laughing delights my heart. I just want to take it in and keep it close.
As I lay there, other thoughts come in-- uninvited, but welcomed. In my mind, I go to a place I haven't been in a long time. A place that is special but painful to visit. It's a lost life--a lost place--a lost time. It's the place where I grew up. The place where my family used to live. I don't often let myself think of it too often because it doesn't exist anymore--except in my memories.
It's almost like the ghost of Christmas Past came in and took me back to my childhood for a brief moment. I could see myself walking down the hall in my house. I can see all the pictures of my family on the wall. The den and living room are just like I left them. Nothing has changed. I slowly move from one room to the other and they are untouched. I go into my Grandparents apartment and it's immaculate. My Grandmother prided herself in her cleanliness. (Tim wishes I had inherited that from her).
I walk to my Mother's room and there she is! She seems to be the only one in the house. She is sitting at her desk like she did so often late at night. She waited until it was quiet in the house before she would go through the mail. I think she enjoyed looking through it. Most of it was junk mail but there were always pleas for the orphans and hungry throughout the world. Those always caught her eye and her heart.
My Mother was one of the most compassionate people in the world and she couldn't let one of those pleas go unnoticed. It was like they were depending on her to save them and she would do all she could to help them. She would have given her last cent to help anyone.
But whatever rescue operation she was working on at her desk was put on pause the minute I walked in. She always made time for me and for my Brother, Michael. Her eyes looked up to meet my eyes and her whole countenance sparkled. Her attention was mine for the taking. She was the best listener I have ever known.
What would I say to my Mother if I could? I can think of a million things at once. All the things that have been stored up for the past 6 years since the worst year ever--2001. I enjoyed sharing nearly every detail of my life with her. She was always interested in me and in what I was thinking. She empowered me to do many of the things I did because she always believed I could do them. It was fun to dream with her because she enjoyed my dreams as much as I did. I think I shut down that part of my life when she died. I knew no one could take her place.
It has been amazing to me that I never see anyone who really reminds me of my Mother. I see men all the time that remind me of my Father-- but never her? I think the reason is-- to me, there was no one like her in all the world. She was a gentle, kind, giving lady who made everyone feel special. And everyone who walked into her life was welcomed. She greeted all with her beautiful smile. I miss her so much. She was my best friend in this life.
When you lose your parents, even as an adult, the little child in you panics. You become like a child lost in a super WalMart who begins to search frantically for that familiar face. What are you going to do without them? They are suppose to be there. They have always been there. And you have always needed them to be there. Sometimes you don't realize that until they are gone.
And now you are left alone. But you are too young to be left alone--even if you are 73! There is never a good time to lose your parents. And no matter how many fights or disagreements you had with them when they were alive, you don't think about that when you go to their funeral.
You remember then all they did for you and how much they loved you. And you realize in your heart, that no one is ever going to love you like they did. Their love was that of a parent and as imperfect as that can be sometimes, no one can move into that spot. There are only two people who can fill it and now there is a big hole they once filled.
I guess my point is this: if you still have both of your parents or just one of them, treasure them for all you're worth. They will be gone too soon and then you will wish you had. Regrets are about the worst thing you can live with because you can't fix them. They just stay with you and nag you. So plan ahead and don't allow that to happen to you. Make every moment count-- even if you have a million other things to do. Don't rush to get away from that precious soul. One day you will wish you had one more moment to say all the things that didn't get said. So say them now.
I hadn't planned to write about this. I was writing a blog about freedom. It has been a struggle to write these past few weeks. I have been sick and didn't feel much like doing anything. But it has been no effort to write this blog. It was something I had to get out. I think that is when you must write--when something is pushing to get out of you.
And it didn't occur to me when I started writing this blog last night-- that today, October 27th, is my Mother's Birthday. She would have been 86.
If you have a comment for Carol, please write her at: carolrtexas2@aol.com
As I lay there, other thoughts come in-- uninvited, but welcomed. In my mind, I go to a place I haven't been in a long time. A place that is special but painful to visit. It's a lost life--a lost place--a lost time. It's the place where I grew up. The place where my family used to live. I don't often let myself think of it too often because it doesn't exist anymore--except in my memories.
It's almost like the ghost of Christmas Past came in and took me back to my childhood for a brief moment. I could see myself walking down the hall in my house. I can see all the pictures of my family on the wall. The den and living room are just like I left them. Nothing has changed. I slowly move from one room to the other and they are untouched. I go into my Grandparents apartment and it's immaculate. My Grandmother prided herself in her cleanliness. (Tim wishes I had inherited that from her).
I walk to my Mother's room and there she is! She seems to be the only one in the house. She is sitting at her desk like she did so often late at night. She waited until it was quiet in the house before she would go through the mail. I think she enjoyed looking through it. Most of it was junk mail but there were always pleas for the orphans and hungry throughout the world. Those always caught her eye and her heart.
My Mother was one of the most compassionate people in the world and she couldn't let one of those pleas go unnoticed. It was like they were depending on her to save them and she would do all she could to help them. She would have given her last cent to help anyone.
But whatever rescue operation she was working on at her desk was put on pause the minute I walked in. She always made time for me and for my Brother, Michael. Her eyes looked up to meet my eyes and her whole countenance sparkled. Her attention was mine for the taking. She was the best listener I have ever known.
What would I say to my Mother if I could? I can think of a million things at once. All the things that have been stored up for the past 6 years since the worst year ever--2001. I enjoyed sharing nearly every detail of my life with her. She was always interested in me and in what I was thinking. She empowered me to do many of the things I did because she always believed I could do them. It was fun to dream with her because she enjoyed my dreams as much as I did. I think I shut down that part of my life when she died. I knew no one could take her place.
It has been amazing to me that I never see anyone who really reminds me of my Mother. I see men all the time that remind me of my Father-- but never her? I think the reason is-- to me, there was no one like her in all the world. She was a gentle, kind, giving lady who made everyone feel special. And everyone who walked into her life was welcomed. She greeted all with her beautiful smile. I miss her so much. She was my best friend in this life.
When you lose your parents, even as an adult, the little child in you panics. You become like a child lost in a super WalMart who begins to search frantically for that familiar face. What are you going to do without them? They are suppose to be there. They have always been there. And you have always needed them to be there. Sometimes you don't realize that until they are gone.
And now you are left alone. But you are too young to be left alone--even if you are 73! There is never a good time to lose your parents. And no matter how many fights or disagreements you had with them when they were alive, you don't think about that when you go to their funeral.
You remember then all they did for you and how much they loved you. And you realize in your heart, that no one is ever going to love you like they did. Their love was that of a parent and as imperfect as that can be sometimes, no one can move into that spot. There are only two people who can fill it and now there is a big hole they once filled.
I guess my point is this: if you still have both of your parents or just one of them, treasure them for all you're worth. They will be gone too soon and then you will wish you had. Regrets are about the worst thing you can live with because you can't fix them. They just stay with you and nag you. So plan ahead and don't allow that to happen to you. Make every moment count-- even if you have a million other things to do. Don't rush to get away from that precious soul. One day you will wish you had one more moment to say all the things that didn't get said. So say them now.
I hadn't planned to write about this. I was writing a blog about freedom. It has been a struggle to write these past few weeks. I have been sick and didn't feel much like doing anything. But it has been no effort to write this blog. It was something I had to get out. I think that is when you must write--when something is pushing to get out of you.
And it didn't occur to me when I started writing this blog last night-- that today, October 27th, is my Mother's Birthday. She would have been 86.
If you have a comment for Carol, please write her at: carolrtexas2@aol.com
Sunday, October 14, 2007
A Soul Hole
Is something missing in your life?
Do you long for something else but you're not sure what?
Have your dreams died?
Do you wish your life had turned out different?
Is there sorrow in your soul?
Are you hurting right now?
If you can answer "yes" to any of these questions, then you probably have a "soul hole".
If you are wondering what a "soul hole" is-- it's a hole in your heart--not a physical one but a spiritual one. It 's a term I kind of made up, (I don't think I have ever heard that term before) but I think it's an accurate description of a wound or scar that comes into our heart. It's a result of living on this earth.
Now you may be thinking I am stuck on hearts since my last blog was about hearts. I do have a love for the concept of the heart. It all started when I read this book a few years ago called Waking the Dead. And if you haven't checked out this book by John Eldredge, please do. It was a life changing book for me. In this book, he vividly describes the spiritual heart of people. He talks about how we need to guard our hearts and that we damage our spiritual hearts when we give pieces of it away to others who do not care for it properly. The more often we give away our hearts---usually the more holes we have!
And we all have them. You can't get through this life without a hole or two!
Holes in our souls are drilled into all of us. They come through the spikes of life--hatred, anger, abuse, mistreatment, rejection, sickness, sorrow, loss of those we love,etc, etc, etc.
Life is kind of like walking through a minefield! You just never know what is going to hit you next!
So we walk around with holes in our heart. The question is: What can we do about it? How can we fix the hole situation?
I would say most people try to fill the holes up. If they can stuff them up with something, they won't hurt anymore. I thing the most popular hole stuffer is other people/relationships! We find someone we think will fill in the missing parts in our heart, and maybe it does for a while, but usually the stuffing starts falling out and the hole reemerges with a big vacuum sound--a sound most of us are pretty familiar with!
Another popular hole stuffer is self medicating. We want to kill the pain of the hole with something that makes us feel good--at least for a while.
Doesn't work.
Distraction is another way to avoid the hole--movies, parties, looking good, dating someone who looks good, being cool, whatever else we can think of.
Also, doesn't work.
And one more option we use to protect our hearts is to make it HARD-- where NOTHING can penetrate it. That can happen, even if we don't want it to, when we let anger and bitterness take over-- especially if we direct that anger at God. If we keep blaming God for everything bad that happens to us, our hearts get hard towards HIM. And eventually our hearts become like stone. Our hearts won't feel any pain if they become cold like stone, BUT they can't feel love either. We become cynical and life becomes shallow.
So how do we get through this life without our heart being riddled with holes?
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life." Proverbs 4:23
How can you guard a heart??? You can put up boundaries (guards) around your heart and only let certain things cross those boundaries--healthy things and healthy people. And there is only One you can totally trust with your heart. The Only One that deserves such an honor---the ONE Who made it! Not only can you trust HIM with it but HE can change that heart of stone into one of flesh that can feel again.
HE just did it for me a few weeks ago. HE restored my soul. HE filled up many of the holes in my heart. And HE will keep filling them as I open up and let HIM in.
How many people do you know that can do that? How many therapists can actually heal people? How many lovers can change the past even though they love you with great passion and genuiness? How many people can restore your soul?
HE is the Only One Who can and HE is the Only One you should give your heart to. HE will handle it carefully. And HE knows just what to do to close up all the holes that lay gaping open in your heart. HE fills them up with HIS healing and love. And then you can love other people with a pure love--a love that's not looking to get its holes filled.
That's how it's suppose to be. So let HIM heal that heart of yours. HE Is the Soul Hole Healer!
Any comments or thoughts please email Carol at: carolrtexas2@aol.com
Do you long for something else but you're not sure what?
Have your dreams died?
Do you wish your life had turned out different?
Is there sorrow in your soul?
Are you hurting right now?
If you can answer "yes" to any of these questions, then you probably have a "soul hole".
If you are wondering what a "soul hole" is-- it's a hole in your heart--not a physical one but a spiritual one. It 's a term I kind of made up, (I don't think I have ever heard that term before) but I think it's an accurate description of a wound or scar that comes into our heart. It's a result of living on this earth.
Now you may be thinking I am stuck on hearts since my last blog was about hearts. I do have a love for the concept of the heart. It all started when I read this book a few years ago called Waking the Dead. And if you haven't checked out this book by John Eldredge, please do. It was a life changing book for me. In this book, he vividly describes the spiritual heart of people. He talks about how we need to guard our hearts and that we damage our spiritual hearts when we give pieces of it away to others who do not care for it properly. The more often we give away our hearts---usually the more holes we have!
And we all have them. You can't get through this life without a hole or two!
Holes in our souls are drilled into all of us. They come through the spikes of life--hatred, anger, abuse, mistreatment, rejection, sickness, sorrow, loss of those we love,etc, etc, etc.
Life is kind of like walking through a minefield! You just never know what is going to hit you next!
So we walk around with holes in our heart. The question is: What can we do about it? How can we fix the hole situation?
I would say most people try to fill the holes up. If they can stuff them up with something, they won't hurt anymore. I thing the most popular hole stuffer is other people/relationships! We find someone we think will fill in the missing parts in our heart, and maybe it does for a while, but usually the stuffing starts falling out and the hole reemerges with a big vacuum sound--a sound most of us are pretty familiar with!
Another popular hole stuffer is self medicating. We want to kill the pain of the hole with something that makes us feel good--at least for a while.
Doesn't work.
Distraction is another way to avoid the hole--movies, parties, looking good, dating someone who looks good, being cool, whatever else we can think of.
Also, doesn't work.
And one more option we use to protect our hearts is to make it HARD-- where NOTHING can penetrate it. That can happen, even if we don't want it to, when we let anger and bitterness take over-- especially if we direct that anger at God. If we keep blaming God for everything bad that happens to us, our hearts get hard towards HIM. And eventually our hearts become like stone. Our hearts won't feel any pain if they become cold like stone, BUT they can't feel love either. We become cynical and life becomes shallow.
So how do we get through this life without our heart being riddled with holes?
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life." Proverbs 4:23
How can you guard a heart??? You can put up boundaries (guards) around your heart and only let certain things cross those boundaries--healthy things and healthy people. And there is only One you can totally trust with your heart. The Only One that deserves such an honor---the ONE Who made it! Not only can you trust HIM with it but HE can change that heart of stone into one of flesh that can feel again.
HE just did it for me a few weeks ago. HE restored my soul. HE filled up many of the holes in my heart. And HE will keep filling them as I open up and let HIM in.
How many people do you know that can do that? How many therapists can actually heal people? How many lovers can change the past even though they love you with great passion and genuiness? How many people can restore your soul?
HE is the Only One Who can and HE is the Only One you should give your heart to. HE will handle it carefully. And HE knows just what to do to close up all the holes that lay gaping open in your heart. HE fills them up with HIS healing and love. And then you can love other people with a pure love--a love that's not looking to get its holes filled.
That's how it's suppose to be. So let HIM heal that heart of yours. HE Is the Soul Hole Healer!
Any comments or thoughts please email Carol at: carolrtexas2@aol.com
Sunday, October 7, 2007
My Heart
I have been having some anxiety lately. For those of you who have struggled with anxiety or had panic attacks, my heart goes out to you. It seems to me, that it's the heart that anxiety affects the most. It felt like my heart was beating as fast as the racing thoughts going through my mind! It was not a comfortable feeling and I wondered a few times if I might be having a heart attack.
It all started this summer when we went to California. We were in Disneyland and decided to check out their submarine ride that had just reopened. We had to wait in line for over 45 minutes (no fast pass with this ride~). It was late at night and we were standing in line until the park was about to close. We just had to ride those submarines! (silly tourists)
Finally, we had the dubious pleasure of stepping into the ride--going down a winding staircase into a small cubicle-- as roomy as a sardine can. The ride would submerge just enough to give us the wonderful sensation of being in a submarine (which is about the last thing in the world I would ever want to do!) It was a cute ride though. We got to see fun little fish swim by and nice fake coral reefs-- AND every scene from every underwater Disney movie ever made!
It was all fine until all of the sudden a thought entered my head--"What would happen if I had a heart attack during this stupid, little ride?! How would I get out and how could they help me fast enough?" That's the moment when I let fear into my heart and I started having the first "panic attack" I think I have ever had. It was not a fun experience!
I'm sure my panic attack was a mild one compared to some. I could deal with it even though I was very uncomfortable. It did take all my energy to contain my fear, though, as each little Disney fish swam by and my heart was pounding harder and harder. I kept thinking-- when would this ride ever end? We had waited so long to get on and now I couldn't wait to get off!
Walking back to our hotel, I just couldn't shake the feeling. That's not the way you want to end your day at the Magic Kingdom. And it's not the way you want to end every night of your vacation-- waking up in the middle of the night, anxious and fearful, in a strange hotel room!
Kind of like a souvenir, I brought the anxiety home with me. I had thought maybe it would subside after I got home but I still couldn't shake it. My doctor had to give me medication so I could sleep. I had so much fear some nights that I was afraid to go to bed! The medication helped a little but I would still wake up in the middle of the night with the same thoughts flooding my mind.
I was at the point of exhaustion by the time I found help for my problem. That solution came the way most of my answers come--Prayer! I go to a church who really believes in praying for people so I asked them to pray for me.
It wasn't until the next Sunday that it occurred to me that I had not been struggling with anxiety hardly at all! I don't know why I hadn't noticed this earlier? Apparently, God had answered those prayers last Sunday! Amazingly, I hadn't even noticed! I couldn't believe it! I'm sure God was wondering when I might realize HE had helped me and that maybe, I would have the courtesy to thank HIM!
I went to church that day so grateful. God doesn't answer every prayer the way we want HIM to but HE does hear us when we pray. This time HE did answer the way I wanted and I never even realized it-- until a week later! I wonder how many prayers we've prayed that God answered and we NEVER realized it! It probably happens a lot!
We get so busy in this frantic world that we forget half the things we say--even to God! I think we all probably owe HIM some "thank-you's" . Our lives are touched each day by HIS hand whether we ask HIM or not and whether we realize it or not. We need to be more aware of HIS kindness. We usually blame HIM when things go wrong but rarely remember to thank HIM when things go right.
So, I would like to thank HIM right now, in my "blog", for all HE has done for me--especially these last few weeks! I want to thank HIM from the bottom of my heart!
If you have a comment or thought, please email Carol at : carolrtexas2@aol.com
It all started this summer when we went to California. We were in Disneyland and decided to check out their submarine ride that had just reopened. We had to wait in line for over 45 minutes (no fast pass with this ride~). It was late at night and we were standing in line until the park was about to close. We just had to ride those submarines! (silly tourists)
Finally, we had the dubious pleasure of stepping into the ride--going down a winding staircase into a small cubicle-- as roomy as a sardine can. The ride would submerge just enough to give us the wonderful sensation of being in a submarine (which is about the last thing in the world I would ever want to do!) It was a cute ride though. We got to see fun little fish swim by and nice fake coral reefs-- AND every scene from every underwater Disney movie ever made!
It was all fine until all of the sudden a thought entered my head--"What would happen if I had a heart attack during this stupid, little ride?! How would I get out and how could they help me fast enough?" That's the moment when I let fear into my heart and I started having the first "panic attack" I think I have ever had. It was not a fun experience!
I'm sure my panic attack was a mild one compared to some. I could deal with it even though I was very uncomfortable. It did take all my energy to contain my fear, though, as each little Disney fish swam by and my heart was pounding harder and harder. I kept thinking-- when would this ride ever end? We had waited so long to get on and now I couldn't wait to get off!
Walking back to our hotel, I just couldn't shake the feeling. That's not the way you want to end your day at the Magic Kingdom. And it's not the way you want to end every night of your vacation-- waking up in the middle of the night, anxious and fearful, in a strange hotel room!
Kind of like a souvenir, I brought the anxiety home with me. I had thought maybe it would subside after I got home but I still couldn't shake it. My doctor had to give me medication so I could sleep. I had so much fear some nights that I was afraid to go to bed! The medication helped a little but I would still wake up in the middle of the night with the same thoughts flooding my mind.
I was at the point of exhaustion by the time I found help for my problem. That solution came the way most of my answers come--Prayer! I go to a church who really believes in praying for people so I asked them to pray for me.
It wasn't until the next Sunday that it occurred to me that I had not been struggling with anxiety hardly at all! I don't know why I hadn't noticed this earlier? Apparently, God had answered those prayers last Sunday! Amazingly, I hadn't even noticed! I couldn't believe it! I'm sure God was wondering when I might realize HE had helped me and that maybe, I would have the courtesy to thank HIM!
I went to church that day so grateful. God doesn't answer every prayer the way we want HIM to but HE does hear us when we pray. This time HE did answer the way I wanted and I never even realized it-- until a week later! I wonder how many prayers we've prayed that God answered and we NEVER realized it! It probably happens a lot!
We get so busy in this frantic world that we forget half the things we say--even to God! I think we all probably owe HIM some "thank-you's" . Our lives are touched each day by HIS hand whether we ask HIM or not and whether we realize it or not. We need to be more aware of HIS kindness. We usually blame HIM when things go wrong but rarely remember to thank HIM when things go right.
So, I would like to thank HIM right now, in my "blog", for all HE has done for me--especially these last few weeks! I want to thank HIM from the bottom of my heart!
If you have a comment or thought, please email Carol at : carolrtexas2@aol.com
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
My Floatation "Device"
This blog is a little personal but I wanted to share it because it was so lifechanging to me. And, afterall, I just wrote a blog on being transparent!
This happened a few weeks ago and is one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to me! But I need to give you a little background before it will be that meaningful to you.
I experienced abuse as a child--both verbally and sexually. I am not going to go into the gory details or mention the perpetrator but, suffice it to say, I was quite damaged by it. The abuse would happen sporadically over a period of about 8 years.
My response to it was to shut down and minimize the pain until it would seem to go away. That worked for a while but by the time I got to college, I couldn't remember parts of my childhood which increasingly bothered me. I would get very depressed and I had a very low self esteem. That would explain one of the reasons I had very few friends.
But while sitting in a psychology class my sophmore year, my teacher started talking about sexual abuse and the ramifications of it. For some reason, that seemed to draw out my "forgotten childhood". Very soon, many of the memories I had neatly tucked away came flooding out of my soul like a torrent! I thought I was losing my mind. I knew in my heart these memories were true but I didn't know how to deal with them. They were like old family movies I had never seen before--and never wanted to see again.
Fortunately, one of the answers to my prayers (spoken under that tree the year before) came to me in an extraordinary "gift" named Susan (who is still an incredible gift to me)! She walked with me through this crisis and held my hand through some of the most soul wrenching times in my life. I think I would have fallen to pieces if God had not so timely blessed me with such a friend. She encouraged me to get counseling and helped me to get started on what would be a life long journey of therapy.
Did therapy help? Yes, in many ways because I came out of the denial I had been living in for so long. Was I healed through the years of counseling with all the different therapists I went to? NO. I gained insight. It helped to talk to someone and get their perspective on what happened. But I never really changed. I just kept living in my dysfunctional state.
Few knew what I was going through because I managed to live a relatively normal life. But inside-- I was a mess. The roots of my dysfunction went deep and it was going to take more than therapy to pull them out. Much of what we believe about ourselves comes from those early years of our life. And what I believed about myself was not good.
So, for as long as I can remember, I have been a big mess. As I got older, my mess got messier and after trying to change for many years, I started thinking I was a hopeless mess. I learned ways to deaden my pain. I fell into relationships that only created more mess for me and the person that had the unfortune of getting entangled with me. I left a trail of messes down my path as I attempted to live my life-- hurting people all along the way. And things weren't getting any better.
Then I met my husband, Tim. And we were blessed with a son, Luke. I carried my messy baggage into their world. Now my undone business was affecting the people I loved the most. I now had to find help for all our sakes--it wasn't just my mess anymore. So for the past few years I have really been seeking help for my problems. But no matter what I did or who I went to, there seemed to be no lasting help. UNTIL..........
A friend told me about a lady at her church who not only talks with people but prays for them too! I thought to myself-- it couldn't hurt and what did I have to lose? But I really didn't expect it to work.
I went to her and found that she was one of the most validating people I had ever met! She listened to my story and showed me aspects of it that I had never thought of before. I started to understand why I was the way I was! She showed me God's love by inviting HIM into the process. We asked HIM to help us uncover my shame, expose the lies I had believed as a child, and open the way for my healing. He made a path through the mess of my life and showed me the way out!
I went to her quite a few times over the past year. It has been a process of uncovering and praying. And even with such progress, things did not happen overnight. But the "big one" happened just recently. I met with her and one of the men on staff who also does this type of prayer. It's called Theophostic Prayer.
They asked me where I was in pain right now and I told them what I was going through. Then we prayed and asked God to show me what I needed to see in this pain that I was experiencing . I then suddenly remembered as a child how I felt after the first abuse happened and how I reacted to it. I shut down. I couldn't process it in my child mind so I just pretended like it didn't happen. That was how I coped with it so I could still be a little girl. So it was there that I learned to minimize my pain and even dismiss it! And that is how I have dealt with pain ever since.
And that is where the enemy of my soul came in and began the lies that have played through my mind like a stuck record: "you are obviously no good or this wouldn't have happened to you" --- "you are worthless"---"you are evil"---"you are perverted"-- "no one really likes you", etc., etc. etc. And that tape has been playing over and over in my life for many years.
After that revelation, we all prayed again and asked God where HE was in the midst of al of this trauma drama in my early years? In my mind I saw it as clearly as the sun rising in the morning sky! HE was there! I could see HIM in my "mind's eye" as I ran into my room sobbing. HE was sitting there, waiting for me, with HIS arms wide open! I ran into HIS arms and HE embraced me. HE covered my shame. I was enveloped in HIS love! HE was there all along, I just hadn't known before. HE had been waiting there to help me. HE did not want this for me (or anyone) but people have free choice in this world and when they don't follow HIM--they often follow the one who hates us and then things like this happen to the innocent.
And then, every time I pictured the abuse happening again, I would run to HIM and HE was always there (just as HE is always there for us now) and HE would just hold me as I poured out my sorrow to HIM...........
Can I tell you that I floated out of that room! I wish I could share with you in words all that I felt! Words are inadequate, but the freedom that I found in that spiritual experience has been real! I can tell you that God did something that day that appears to be a lasting work. I have been floating around ever since. And I know I can't stay on this cloud forever, but I do know that HE opened the door of deliverance and healing for me. Now it's up to me to walk through it and follow close to the Healer of my soul! AMEN!
If you wish to respond to Carol, email her at:
carolrtexas2@aol.com
This happened a few weeks ago and is one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to me! But I need to give you a little background before it will be that meaningful to you.
I experienced abuse as a child--both verbally and sexually. I am not going to go into the gory details or mention the perpetrator but, suffice it to say, I was quite damaged by it. The abuse would happen sporadically over a period of about 8 years.
My response to it was to shut down and minimize the pain until it would seem to go away. That worked for a while but by the time I got to college, I couldn't remember parts of my childhood which increasingly bothered me. I would get very depressed and I had a very low self esteem. That would explain one of the reasons I had very few friends.
But while sitting in a psychology class my sophmore year, my teacher started talking about sexual abuse and the ramifications of it. For some reason, that seemed to draw out my "forgotten childhood". Very soon, many of the memories I had neatly tucked away came flooding out of my soul like a torrent! I thought I was losing my mind. I knew in my heart these memories were true but I didn't know how to deal with them. They were like old family movies I had never seen before--and never wanted to see again.
Fortunately, one of the answers to my prayers (spoken under that tree the year before) came to me in an extraordinary "gift" named Susan (who is still an incredible gift to me)! She walked with me through this crisis and held my hand through some of the most soul wrenching times in my life. I think I would have fallen to pieces if God had not so timely blessed me with such a friend. She encouraged me to get counseling and helped me to get started on what would be a life long journey of therapy.
Did therapy help? Yes, in many ways because I came out of the denial I had been living in for so long. Was I healed through the years of counseling with all the different therapists I went to? NO. I gained insight. It helped to talk to someone and get their perspective on what happened. But I never really changed. I just kept living in my dysfunctional state.
Few knew what I was going through because I managed to live a relatively normal life. But inside-- I was a mess. The roots of my dysfunction went deep and it was going to take more than therapy to pull them out. Much of what we believe about ourselves comes from those early years of our life. And what I believed about myself was not good.
So, for as long as I can remember, I have been a big mess. As I got older, my mess got messier and after trying to change for many years, I started thinking I was a hopeless mess. I learned ways to deaden my pain. I fell into relationships that only created more mess for me and the person that had the unfortune of getting entangled with me. I left a trail of messes down my path as I attempted to live my life-- hurting people all along the way. And things weren't getting any better.
Then I met my husband, Tim. And we were blessed with a son, Luke. I carried my messy baggage into their world. Now my undone business was affecting the people I loved the most. I now had to find help for all our sakes--it wasn't just my mess anymore. So for the past few years I have really been seeking help for my problems. But no matter what I did or who I went to, there seemed to be no lasting help. UNTIL..........
A friend told me about a lady at her church who not only talks with people but prays for them too! I thought to myself-- it couldn't hurt and what did I have to lose? But I really didn't expect it to work.
I went to her and found that she was one of the most validating people I had ever met! She listened to my story and showed me aspects of it that I had never thought of before. I started to understand why I was the way I was! She showed me God's love by inviting HIM into the process. We asked HIM to help us uncover my shame, expose the lies I had believed as a child, and open the way for my healing. He made a path through the mess of my life and showed me the way out!
I went to her quite a few times over the past year. It has been a process of uncovering and praying. And even with such progress, things did not happen overnight. But the "big one" happened just recently. I met with her and one of the men on staff who also does this type of prayer. It's called Theophostic Prayer.
They asked me where I was in pain right now and I told them what I was going through. Then we prayed and asked God to show me what I needed to see in this pain that I was experiencing . I then suddenly remembered as a child how I felt after the first abuse happened and how I reacted to it. I shut down. I couldn't process it in my child mind so I just pretended like it didn't happen. That was how I coped with it so I could still be a little girl. So it was there that I learned to minimize my pain and even dismiss it! And that is how I have dealt with pain ever since.
And that is where the enemy of my soul came in and began the lies that have played through my mind like a stuck record: "you are obviously no good or this wouldn't have happened to you" --- "you are worthless"---"you are evil"---"you are perverted"-- "no one really likes you", etc., etc. etc. And that tape has been playing over and over in my life for many years.
After that revelation, we all prayed again and asked God where HE was in the midst of al of this trauma drama in my early years? In my mind I saw it as clearly as the sun rising in the morning sky! HE was there! I could see HIM in my "mind's eye" as I ran into my room sobbing. HE was sitting there, waiting for me, with HIS arms wide open! I ran into HIS arms and HE embraced me. HE covered my shame. I was enveloped in HIS love! HE was there all along, I just hadn't known before. HE had been waiting there to help me. HE did not want this for me (or anyone) but people have free choice in this world and when they don't follow HIM--they often follow the one who hates us and then things like this happen to the innocent.
And then, every time I pictured the abuse happening again, I would run to HIM and HE was always there (just as HE is always there for us now) and HE would just hold me as I poured out my sorrow to HIM...........
Can I tell you that I floated out of that room! I wish I could share with you in words all that I felt! Words are inadequate, but the freedom that I found in that spiritual experience has been real! I can tell you that God did something that day that appears to be a lasting work. I have been floating around ever since. And I know I can't stay on this cloud forever, but I do know that HE opened the door of deliverance and healing for me. Now it's up to me to walk through it and follow close to the Healer of my soul! AMEN!
If you wish to respond to Carol, email her at:
carolrtexas2@aol.com
Saturday, September 29, 2007
My Tree
There is a tree on the campus of Abilene Christian University in Texas that is very special to me. I sat under it many times contemplating life . It was under this tree that I first began to realize the power of prayer.
When I first started college at ACU, I had one friend there. She was my best friend in High School and we lived next door to each other in the dorm. But soon after we started college she started dating a boy and spent a lot of time with him.
That meant I was now ALONE!
I had one of the lowest self esteems (not sure you can pluralize that word?) imaginable!~ I was always very shy but being in a college with all new people was overwhelming to me. My Mother worked at the college and, even though I loved to see her beautiful face every day, I did not want her to know how lonely I was. For that reason I often refrained from going to see her after chapel. I knew she would wonder why I wasn't hanging out in the student center with everyone else. So, instead, I would go to my tree-- and cry.
My tree was next to the theater on campus. It was large for a West Texas tree and gave me a covering to hide my shame of loneliness. I would sit there until it was time for my next class and, by then, all the kids who were socializing and mingling at the student center had left for their classes as well.
But finally one day, I decided that instead of feeling sorry for myself, I would ask God to bless me with some friends. I didn't have a clue how to get one. My best friend in high school had befriended me when we were in grade school and there weren't many others knocking down my door to be friends with me. They probably thought I was a snob since I would mostly ignore people-- not knowing how to appropriately talk to anyone.
So there I sat for months--alone, praying, and really hoping that God could give me some friends. And before my freshman year was over, HE did! God answered my prayers . It did not come easy, but I believe HE gave me the strength to go out and start talking to people. He gave me favor and He gave me some of the best friends I could ever want. I am still friends with many of them today!
God has blessed me with many good friends over the years. Each one I consider a precious gift to me, because I believe God is still answering those prayers offered up many years ago under a tree in Texas!
to email Carol regarding this post : carolrtexas2@aol.com
When I first started college at ACU, I had one friend there. She was my best friend in High School and we lived next door to each other in the dorm. But soon after we started college she started dating a boy and spent a lot of time with him.
That meant I was now ALONE!
I had one of the lowest self esteems (not sure you can pluralize that word?) imaginable!~ I was always very shy but being in a college with all new people was overwhelming to me. My Mother worked at the college and, even though I loved to see her beautiful face every day, I did not want her to know how lonely I was. For that reason I often refrained from going to see her after chapel. I knew she would wonder why I wasn't hanging out in the student center with everyone else. So, instead, I would go to my tree-- and cry.
My tree was next to the theater on campus. It was large for a West Texas tree and gave me a covering to hide my shame of loneliness. I would sit there until it was time for my next class and, by then, all the kids who were socializing and mingling at the student center had left for their classes as well.
But finally one day, I decided that instead of feeling sorry for myself, I would ask God to bless me with some friends. I didn't have a clue how to get one. My best friend in high school had befriended me when we were in grade school and there weren't many others knocking down my door to be friends with me. They probably thought I was a snob since I would mostly ignore people-- not knowing how to appropriately talk to anyone.
So there I sat for months--alone, praying, and really hoping that God could give me some friends. And before my freshman year was over, HE did! God answered my prayers . It did not come easy, but I believe HE gave me the strength to go out and start talking to people. He gave me favor and He gave me some of the best friends I could ever want. I am still friends with many of them today!
God has blessed me with many good friends over the years. Each one I consider a precious gift to me, because I believe God is still answering those prayers offered up many years ago under a tree in Texas!
to email Carol regarding this post : carolrtexas2@aol.com
Friday, September 28, 2007
Transparency
Scary word--TRANSPARENCY. To be transparent with someone is to let them see you on the inside. Very scary!
There are few people in the world I can be totally transparent with. I know you realize when you do open yourself up and let someone look inside, you give them a certain power over you. You are now vulnerable to them. You're saying to that person: I'm giving you a peak into my soul but-- please don't hurt me.
I have chosen only a few people to let inside. They are my treasured friends. I trust them with my heart because I know they will handle it with care.
How many people have you been transparent with? Have they handled your heart well? If not, did you close up, seal the door to your heart and now have a vow of silence? No one comes in and no one goes out. All your pain is stuffed deeply inside, aching to get out. I don't want you to live that way. Life is too short to carry such a load. You have to let someone help you bear the burden you carry or soon you will be crushed by it.
I believe God gave us each other so we could help each other in this life. God knows we need help. This life is too hard and we can't do it by ourselves.
It is in relationship that we can share each other's pain and joy. HE made us to need companionship. So, if we don't have it, we suffer because we NEED to be known!
One of my most favorite books, Waking the Dead, by John Eldredge talks about our need for companions on this journey called life. It's a dreadful journey to go alone. We won't make it. We need someone to offer a hand when we fall, arms to hold us when we can't go any further, and a shoulder to cry on when our heart is breaking.
So I hope all of you reading this have someone you can pour out your heart to and if you don't, I hope you will find someone very soon. By the way, I have a very soft shoulder.........
But I believe the most important relationship we can have is with our Creator. HE made us for relationship and the primary one should be with HIM! HE truly wants us to tell HIM what is going on in our heart. So tell HIM. And if you need a relationship, start with HIM!
I'm going to tell you my Tree story next. It's all about Relationships!
Carol
To respond to this post you can email Carol at:
carolrtexas2@aol.com
There are few people in the world I can be totally transparent with. I know you realize when you do open yourself up and let someone look inside, you give them a certain power over you. You are now vulnerable to them. You're saying to that person: I'm giving you a peak into my soul but-- please don't hurt me.
I have chosen only a few people to let inside. They are my treasured friends. I trust them with my heart because I know they will handle it with care.
How many people have you been transparent with? Have they handled your heart well? If not, did you close up, seal the door to your heart and now have a vow of silence? No one comes in and no one goes out. All your pain is stuffed deeply inside, aching to get out. I don't want you to live that way. Life is too short to carry such a load. You have to let someone help you bear the burden you carry or soon you will be crushed by it.
I believe God gave us each other so we could help each other in this life. God knows we need help. This life is too hard and we can't do it by ourselves.
It is in relationship that we can share each other's pain and joy. HE made us to need companionship. So, if we don't have it, we suffer because we NEED to be known!
One of my most favorite books, Waking the Dead, by John Eldredge talks about our need for companions on this journey called life. It's a dreadful journey to go alone. We won't make it. We need someone to offer a hand when we fall, arms to hold us when we can't go any further, and a shoulder to cry on when our heart is breaking.
So I hope all of you reading this have someone you can pour out your heart to and if you don't, I hope you will find someone very soon. By the way, I have a very soft shoulder.........
But I believe the most important relationship we can have is with our Creator. HE made us for relationship and the primary one should be with HIM! HE truly wants us to tell HIM what is going on in our heart. So tell HIM. And if you need a relationship, start with HIM!
I'm going to tell you my Tree story next. It's all about Relationships!
Carol
To respond to this post you can email Carol at:
carolrtexas2@aol.com
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Pressure
Now I have to write something since I have made a big deal about having a blog. I can now understand how an author might feel when they have a deadline! It kind of takes the joy out of it. I guess I just need to get used to it.
I don't know why it is that some people feel compelled to write! What is that? I just have such a need to write down thoughts and feelings I have and then bore the heck out of people telling them about it! Where does that come from? Is it an ego thing?
I'll be driving somewhere and all of the sudden this idea will come to me that I think is amazing! And by the time I get home, I will have forgotten that I even had an idea, much less remember why I left in the first place! Then after I get comfortable and start watching Oprah I remember the things I went out to do. It's like my mind is so preoccupied all the time that I forget the things that I need to accomplish that day!
Lately I have been reading this book called Jerusalem Countdown. It's about the end of the world and I am so obsessed with it. This guy Hagee has some pretty radical ideas but he bases them on a lot of history and facts. If what he says is true, we have quite a future ahead of us. I would recommend you reading it (if you have the guts). And, if you are reading this, you probably need something to read and believe me, this book is compelling!
You know there is a lot of people who believe that the world is going to end in 2012. If you google it you will see all the web sites dedicated to that belief. It's a little frightening. That is the year that Luke is supposed to graduate from high school. It's a big year for us. It could be a big year for everyone........
This is the big thing on my mind lately. So that's what I'm suppose to blog about as I understand it. You just kind of put down whatever goes through your head. Well not whatever----I am not that transparent yet. But I'm a big believer in transparency. Maybe I'll blog about that next!
Until then---have a pleasant tomorrow.
Carol
To respond to this article you can email Carol at:
carolrtexas2@aol.com
I don't know why it is that some people feel compelled to write! What is that? I just have such a need to write down thoughts and feelings I have and then bore the heck out of people telling them about it! Where does that come from? Is it an ego thing?
I'll be driving somewhere and all of the sudden this idea will come to me that I think is amazing! And by the time I get home, I will have forgotten that I even had an idea, much less remember why I left in the first place! Then after I get comfortable and start watching Oprah I remember the things I went out to do. It's like my mind is so preoccupied all the time that I forget the things that I need to accomplish that day!
Lately I have been reading this book called Jerusalem Countdown. It's about the end of the world and I am so obsessed with it. This guy Hagee has some pretty radical ideas but he bases them on a lot of history and facts. If what he says is true, we have quite a future ahead of us. I would recommend you reading it (if you have the guts). And, if you are reading this, you probably need something to read and believe me, this book is compelling!
You know there is a lot of people who believe that the world is going to end in 2012. If you google it you will see all the web sites dedicated to that belief. It's a little frightening. That is the year that Luke is supposed to graduate from high school. It's a big year for us. It could be a big year for everyone........
This is the big thing on my mind lately. So that's what I'm suppose to blog about as I understand it. You just kind of put down whatever goes through your head. Well not whatever----I am not that transparent yet. But I'm a big believer in transparency. Maybe I'll blog about that next!
Until then---have a pleasant tomorrow.
Carol
To respond to this article you can email Carol at:
carolrtexas2@aol.com
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
I am New at This!
My name is Carol and I wanted to start a blog so I could have an outlet for the millions of things I think of every day. Nearly once a week I have an idea for a novel or book but that rarely amounts to anything. So I figured this might be a move in the right direction.
I'm not really in the mood to write anything right now so this is short and sweet.
I'm actually not sure why I'm doing this because I don't know that I have anything profound to say. That's why I haven't even attempted to get anything published because I think there is already too much out there now. Why would I add to the pile?????
But I'll give it a shot and see what happens. My two cents begins now!
Carol
I'm not really in the mood to write anything right now so this is short and sweet.
I'm actually not sure why I'm doing this because I don't know that I have anything profound to say. That's why I haven't even attempted to get anything published because I think there is already too much out there now. Why would I add to the pile?????
But I'll give it a shot and see what happens. My two cents begins now!
Carol
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